three things today:

1)- ARJAY IS THE BEST EVER FOR HELPING ME GET A JOBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2)- I LOVE MY SISTERS AND MY BIG SISSSSS!!! Piphi's are sooo cute and fun, and stacy is always there to cheer me up and listen to my ridiculous stories. :)

3)- I'm SO excited to play PI PHI FOOTBALL!!! Hooray for the hottest team ever....

"maybe it's finally gonna work out for you"- a really good friend. :)

i hope so !

the word of the day is timing.

it sucks.

merrily

merrily

merrily

merrily

life is but a dream........

this is my REAL updated entry. :) I just felt that the news in the other post was so disgusting, it had to have it's own entry made out of it.

Surprisingly enough, my INCREDIBLY busy, jam-packed, hectic life here at UCI has been in one word.............

A M A Z I N G.

Basically on Monday's I'm in the SAME classroom (for 2 different classes) from 9am-1pm.... and then I have voice lesson downstairs from 1-130..... and then I have random sorority stuff to attend to until laaaaate into the night.... but I LOVE monday's. :)

Tuesday I have voice lesson in the morning from 930-10, than class 11-1220, then choir from 330-620..... and even though I'm basically on campus alll day I LOVE my schedule!

The rest of the week basically follows along the same exciting pattern- HOURS of class for one measley little unit... but as opposed to last year when I would just sign up for one 4 unit class and never go and just be in it for the units.... *cough cough* .... this year I realy enjoy going. I REALLY love sitting in class and hearing about notes, and triads, and pentachords, and Diatonic and Phrigian and Aeolian collections.... I know I sound like a loser but the thing is that I really don't care.

This summer I had so many problems with my family, with E V E R Y T H I N G, and was dealing with so many unspoken demons and regrets that I thought had disappeared but were really just underneath my hard surface. Last year I told myself I was enjoying myself, and yes there were definitely some GREAT moments where I had FUN, and I laughed, and joked etc.... but as my parents and I discussed at the end of August... I hadn't really truly been happy since the end of my Junior Year of Highschool. And I didn't truly discover why until very recently.

The end of my junior year was when singing- my ONE steadfast CATHARTIC mechanism in LIFE- STOPPED being fun, and relaxing.... it became stressful, unfullfilling, etc. The amount of effort I put in, the blood, the sweat and the tears no longer equaled the amount I would get out. I received so much less..... Which is why I put it behind me during applications for schools.... but long story shortened, I re-discovered my passion with the help of my parents, and now all is well and I feel like I have been re-born.

*****************************************************************************************************

Aside from that excitement, my purse definitely disappeared exactly one week ago... :( SAD! It would be okay except it had my ARROWDAZE shirt and my digi in there. :( *tear*

My horoscope TOTALLY freaked me out today:

The solution came to you last night while you lay there worrying, as opposed to sleeping. Get past that stumbling block and you'll prove -- to yourself -- you can get to where you want to be....

Smartchild has been pretty accurate before, but this was a little scary. I have come to the conclusion that in some aspects of my life, or maybe just like one aspect, I worry wayyyyyyyyyyyyy tooooooo muuuuccccccchhhhhhhh. But I definitely did come to a solution so this is good. :)

****************************************************************************************************

MY BIG SIS GOT ME AN ADORABLE BIKINI AND CUTE SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!  YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

thats all for now.

"TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES EXPECTING CHILD."

how disgusting.

boom boom.....

recruitment is over.... we have our new baby angels..... and we've already spent 2 nights on the town.....

i love life!!

( *....boom boom i wanna be a pi beta phi....* )
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: REUNION IS ON!

i'm tired and i hate how "people change...."

umm, we are the kuh.

hahaha. ooooo man...........

* so excited  *

My friends from home keep asking "why I care so much." 

And then I just kick myself because I'm wondering the same thing.

I just don't understand why this is so difficult for me, and not for him. It kindof irritates me, and makes me think that this was what he wanted all along but felt to bad to initiate it himself. Ya know, like the whole time he secretly was thinking to himself "gosh I wish we could just be friends" except didn't want to be the one to break the whole thing off.

Then there are the times when I come up with a million different ways on how this could end up *happy,* like he could realize that he does want to be with me, and that... i dunno.... we'll just figure it out as we go I guess. Although reality ends up kicking and I once again conclude that I just wasn't worth the risk and the effort.

Basically I'm just really saddened by the thought that I simply wasn't worth it to him, it kills me. Everyone keeps telling me not to beat myself up and there is nothing I could or should have done differently, but if thats the case than why is it the ONLY explanation to account for this current state? It had to have been me, something I said, or didn't say, something I did or didn't do, or didn't do right.

It was just so awkward for me today.... not because I was bored, or not having a good time, in fact it was for the exact opposite reason. I had fun, and I enjoyed being with him, spending time with him. I felt completely awkward. And all the while he just went around like his regular self, totally unaware of the torment I was dealing with, the constant battle with my brain telling it not to want to grab his hand or trace his back with mine.... UGH!

Laila was right and it was too soon. He may never know how I'm feeling right now, and at least I think it didn't show, but I definitely am NOT ready too keep up this fake pretense like "i don't care" because gosh darn it I DO. I CARE and I HATE THAT.

I'd say it's pretty obvious he doesn't care about what we never got a chance to have.....but I'm not like that.

It's all the things left undiscovered that are killing me basically. Never knowing what could've happened, what it might have been like. I guess some things you just never figure out and there is no way to ever know.

It's like how Seth told Summer that one time that he couldn't "just be friends" with her. Now we definitely are nothing at all like Seth and Summer.... but that statement still rings true for me. At least right now, I can't just be friends. Honestly, I don't know if I can be anything.

You look at me,
Like you always do.
You don’t have a clue.
You smile at me,
You hug me,
But you don’t know I still want you.
You play with me,
You flirt with me,
but to you I’m just your friend.

There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn

Wow. Lots going on… ummmmm okay lets startat the beginning.

In a nutshell, I’ve more or less haven’t talked to or SEEN my parents in one week…. I feel like I’m Marisa on the OC and I keep like escaping to Chino to evade her parents… hahah except chino in this case = Kyle’s garage.

So Wednesday after babysitting I go back to my house, grab my mic and sing in my car for like 3 hours haha. Well I’m in a pretty good mood so I decide to finally sit down and have dinner with my family (which I haven’t done since July 25^th or something). Well dinner of course doesn’t go well, and ends up in another screaming match between my mom, my dad, and I. So shortly after that I run up to my room and grab a few essentials, and then head over to Kyle’s because I know his fam will let me stay there for a few nights. At first it was kindof awkward, and his mom kept asking if everything was okay, but since I really didn’t want to go into it I just said I needed some time away, and thanks for letting me stay here, that kindof thing.

My parents first tried to reach me Thursday night, figure out where I was, and try to make me come home and talk. They had been flirting with the idea of me getting a student loan for awhile, saying that I didn’t deserve their respect and their money basically because I wasn’t respectful towards them, etc. Well even though a loan sounds like a major biotch to take out, at this point I liked the idea of the loan better than the idea of being dependent on my parents for every little thing I did at school. I figured the less they had to offer me, the less I had to give them in return and I could finally start living for myself on my own.

Unfortunately Friday the bank contacted me and in more words or less basically said I couldn’t take out a loan in my name, and that I would have to go through my parents. So that night I head over to my house because my mom and sister are leaving for their little mother daughter extravaganza to DC and NY the next morning, and it’s the last chance I would have to get all of this loan stuff straightened out.

So nutshell again, Friday night I sign a 16,000 loan which basically is for this next year, tuition, rent, sorority, everything. So as hard as everything is going to be, I’m actually pretty happy about my financial situation because I don’t have to feel like I’m feeding off my parents and like disappointing them or as my mom likes to put it “wasting her money”. Now, it’s MY money so I can use it how I want, and no one can bother me about it so YAY. J  

I wish things were better with my parents, like relationship wise, but at this point I don’t really know what to do. I haven’t been home in awhile and it would seem strange to me to just like show up now out of the blue….I guess technically I still live there, but whether they even want me there is just completely unknown to me.

My grandma keeps calling probably wondering where I am and how I’m doing, but she hasn’t left a message yet because it keeps getting messed up. I wonder how much she knows about this.

Okay enough of that. So in other news… Friday night me and Kyle were sitting in my car, and I had my itunes going and this karaoke song came on. Well I had been practicing “good singing” for like so many hours in the past week I felt like singing REALLLY horribly so we started to just like mess around and sing horrible karaoke. Then I realized I still had my mic so I started recording us doing it and they are SOOOO hilarious to listen to now!!! Hahahaa.

Saturday night was fun, chilled; hangout went to Denny’s, etc. Denny’s = grosss! But I do admit I love those stupid flavor burst things they can add to your sodas. Hehehe. I always get them even though I’m sure they are like PURE corn syrup. Oh well. J

Sunday was SOOOO awesome- long day, but really cool. At 930 I dragged myself out of bed and went to church with Catherine. It had been suuuuch a long time since I had gone! Since memorial day actually… so it was really refreshing to go. Afterwards we went back to catherines and had some REALLY delicious sandwiches we made on baguettes, and then watched 7 episodes of the OC. Hahahah. It was great. Then to top it off we got frozen yogurt and watched an episode of Friends too and ate cookies. YUMMY! J IloveCatherine. J And besides her being really super amazing and soo fun, it was also really nice to hangout with a GIRL for a change. Hehehee.

That night Kyle and I went on a run... mmm I love running lately. I don’t know why I just developed this thing for it. Then we went swimming, then out to Fenton’s.  I LOVE FENTON’S!!!!!!!!!!! There is just NO BEATING IT.

After Fenton’s I was dragged out to the slaughterhouse. HAHAHA. Fun times getting there though…. Me thinking I know EXACTLY how to get there and then ACCIDENTALLY running them up and down some residential development….. we got to Antioch at midnight, and I SWEAR we didn’t end up AT the slaughterhouse until 130, after I called my bro and told him to mapquest directions the road for us. Hahaha.

So that thus far has been my life…. More to come soon. Only one week til Judgement Day. SCARY TIMES. But I’m practicing really hard and hoping not to get sick so hopefully everything will turn out fine. J

*hearts and huggs*

MY LIFE RIGHT NOW IN THE FORM OF A FAITH HILL SONG :)

They said change your clothes
She said no I won't
They said comb your hair
She said some kids don't
And her parents dreams went up in smoke
They said you can't leave
She said yes I will
They said don't see him
She said his name is Bill
She's on a roll and it's all uphill
She's a wild one
With an angel's face
She's a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She's a wild one
Runnin' free
She loves Rock and Roll
They said it's Satan's tongue
She thinks they're too old
They think she's too young
And the battle lines are clearly drawn
She's a wild one
With an angel's face
She's a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She's a wild one
Runnin' free
She has future plans and dreams at night
When they tell her life is hard she says that's alright
She's a wild one
With an angel's face
She's a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She's a wild one
With an angel's face
She's a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She's a wild one
Runnin' free

i woke up this morning and was like OMG IT'S AUGUST. just thought that was weird.

last night went to kyles house at around 7, he had been gone for the weekend so it was exciting to see him. WELL funny thing happened.... hahaha his little cousins were over, the same ones I went and visited LAST summer (kyle and I took off for a few days and went on a boating trip in SLO and stayed at their house it was awesome) and so i saw them and was like "Hey Guys!!" Well, I figured they would remember me ya know, haha and so this little girl looks at me with her HUGE eyes and was like,  very slowly, "what.....are you DOING here....." and i was like, "oh I'm just hanging out with kyle, we're going to go to the pool!" and her little brother goes, "so you guys are like, back together?" and i was like *awkward* "Oh no we're just friends, hangingout and going to the pool." And the girl looks at me and goes "Oh. Kyle told us you were dead."

HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!

I could not stop laughing. I thought it was the funniest thing EVER! I was like, "oh, well no i'm still alive." And of course Kyle looks at me and is like "Sarah I SWEAR i did not say that i did NOT tell them you died i PROMISE" and i was just like, whatever. I thought it was funny.

Later I got pissed off and threw a pillow at him cuz he laughed during the best part of Jerry Maguire. I was pissed. I was like on the verge of tears and he just starts laughing. !!!!!!!! *angry face* !!!!!!!!!!!!

that's it. wow can't believe its august...................

oh yeah and then i took this quiz and it was super accurate so thats weird.

<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#B9D3EE" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>How You Life Your Life</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#C6E2FF"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/howdoyouliveyourlifequiz/faces.jpg"></center><font color="#000000">
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.

You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.

You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/howdoyouliveyourlifequiz/">How Do You Live Your Life?</a></div>

i'm not really sure what i want to write so i guess i'm just going to go with it.

this past week has been pretty horrible for me..... selfishly i've allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because of everything thats happened.... and that feeling in return has just made everything worse. tuesday i was able to get through, but wednesday and thursday things got messy.

Wednesday was the memorial service for the mother of one of the most amazing, talented, whole-hearted girl I have ever been friends with in my life. I arrived with Kevin and Kyle a few minutes early, and had time in the beggining to greet the 30 people I haven't sang with or talked to in over a year, but who I used to spend more time with than my own family. One of the mom's said to me "You know it's a sign of age when you only gather together for a funeral" and Kyle immediately responded with "Well we still hangout." haha. Leave it to Kyle to comment back on something like that. At first I was like, okay I mean I suppose that makes sense, I haven't seen these people, but you know thats what happens after high school.

But the more I got to thinking about it, talking to people, catching up, I realized that the reason we haven't stayed connected isn't necessarily a two-way road at all.... it's because since going to UCI I have barely made an effort to keep up with everyone's life, to keep a part of my life and myself invested in DANVILLE. It's like the Sex and the City Quote- Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be. More than anything, I wanted to go to college and let go of Danville, let go of the relationships..... I guess I just assumed everyone would do the same thing. But I was definately proven wrong as I felt completely disconnected.

I guess I've just been realizing what I've been thinking about all summer- There is SO LITTLE left here in Danville that I really can hang-on too.... so little things I can go, people and places I can visit.... I've realized how little it seems like HOME.

Listening to the reverand speak at the service was eye-opening as well..... She spoke about the life of the woman of which I knew little about..... and the more she spoke about it the more I realized how incredibly amazing she was. It was SO UPLIFTING to hear about how she lived her entire life with such a strong hope, and incredible faith. Her faith was parallel to Jamie Sullivan in A Walk to Remember, like exactly. Hearing about it caused me to reconsider the role of my faith in my life. I decided that I'm going to really put effort into finding a decent church service to attend near school... not because it will make me FEEL better as a person, but honestly because I just really miss it. It's not like I feel that I can only build up my faith by going to church, because after the week i've had my faith has grown more than it has in a long time.... It's just that I really MISS being surrounded by people who have the same kindof beliefs that I do- not just on a spiritual level, but everything- similar morals, etc.

After some long searching I discovered how scary next year is going to be. That might sound a little extreme, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how I can't rely on my family like I used to, I can't rely on my friends from home, because we've lost touch.... basically Danville/HOME has become a place that I visit to see my parents and brother... ( my sister is moving across the country in a little over a month- for a FEW YEARS OR PERMENANTLY ) ....  and thats all it is.....

On so many levels I'm just completely confused..... a lot of you probably know about the thing with the "hidden LJ" the other night.... which I finally got him to admitt was totally created FOR ME TO LOOK AT.... so it wasn't so hidden at all. Well, now it's deleted so I'm not even sure what to think about that. It kindof scared me that maybe I have had this slanted view of what the two of us were.... or maybe not. But regardless of "our status" or whatever you want to call it, it is really comforting and reassuring to know that NO MATTER WHAT he will be my friend til the end, and be there for me when I need someone to talk to- and that I will do absolutely the same thing for him! :)

A lot of the guys that I've been talking to this summer keep asking me to hangout.... and so far I've turned down all of them..... and I'm not even sure why. I guess it's because part of me KNOWS that their reasons are perhaps not as noble as they would like me to think... I mean I'm going to school in a month it's obvious that they don't want any kind of relationship or any kind of strings.... But then I thought about it and was like- SARAH - WHAT DO YOU WANT. I mean it may seem selfish but I think that we're at the age when we need to actually think about what we want, not what anyone else wants, or what it will look like. Now that i'm living basically on my own and acting independently, I'm finally free to call my own shots so I guess it's time I start doing that. AHHHHHHH It just sucks that everything is so confusing I guess.

Sometimes I really wish that I could be like other girls, not caring about anything except for having fun and going out with whomever they want. But somehow I just don't feel like I can do that- actually I know I can't. That's not me and it's time I accept that it's not. I just hope that in the next year at school, I'll maybe be able to find a guy who is genuinely interested in me.... and then we'll just see how it goes from there. :)

Umm... other than that I'm still trying to figure out how the hell i'm going to get a job without having a car. :(  I've absolutely exhausted my options now, after calling like 100 insurance places and trying to convince my parents to trade in my car for one with cheaper rates..... We've finally come to the agreement that I just can't have one, and I'm going to have to make due riding the bus all the time (BARF). That and then getting my little sis to cart me back and forth from my sorority meetings muahahahaha. It shouldn't be sooo bad, I've just been overstressing I think. ARGGGGGGGGGGGH I just wish everything didn't seem so hard and confusing all the time.... :(

You keep saying you've got something for me.
something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'
and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he know you ain't HAD time to learn.

Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!

*later*

and like that, it all comes crashing down.

it's like you're cutting me

it's like you're deep within my skin

it's like you damaged me

i'm bleeding from within

just when i thought that everything was healed you tore it open

and just when i thought we closed the book you went over to it and you burned it

SCREAMS.......fill my head up they're circling within it.... my

SOUL is ripped from the inside out through my skin

It's Torn

now it's ripped up

my Heartbreak makes me sick

And There's nothing I can do to escape it

Except for Scream

Your knife is sharper now

It's worse than I remembered

Your cut is deeper now

Or maybe I'm just more tender

just when i thought that everything was healed you tore it open

and just when i thought we closed the book you went over to it and you burned it

SCREAMS.......fill my head up they're circling within it... my

SOUL is ripped from the inside out through my skin

It's Torn

now it's ripped up

my Heartbreak makes me sick

And There's nothing I can do to escape it

Except for Scream

I'm going out of my head

Wondering What I did

What did I do to deserve this

I thought everything was fine

I ate up all your lies

I lived in a fake happy ending

but now I hear

SCREAMS.......they fill my head up they're circling within it 

my

SOUL is ripped from the inside out through my skin

It's Torn

now it's ripped up

my Heartbreak makes me sick

And There's nothing I can do to escape it

Except for

SCREAMS.......they fill my head up they're circling within it 

my

SOUL is ripped from the inside out through my skin

It's Torn

now it's ripped up

my Heartbreak is

making me sick

And There's nothing I can do to escape it

Except for Scream